


I Can’t Help But Love You (Even Though I Try Not To)

by TheFoolsKnight



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Female Alec Lightwood, Female Magnus Bane, Genderbending, How Do I Tag, Other Genderbent characters, S1E12 : Malec, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:42:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24824017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFoolsKnight/pseuds/TheFoolsKnight
Summary: In the institute, Alexandra, known to her friends as Alec, is ready for the night that will change her life.Meanwhile, in a loft in Brooklyn, Magna makes an important decision.OR, A wlw rewrite of the Not-Wedding scene of Shadowhunters.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, female! Magnus Bane/ female! Alec Lightwood
Comments: 19
Kudos: 41





	I Can’t Help But Love You (Even Though I Try Not To)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [igonecrazy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/igonecrazy/gifts), [Glitterbae1104](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glitterbae1104/gifts).



From the hallway just short of the event hall of the institute, Alec observed the room, dressed in the white wedding gown she had picked out a couple of days ago. Her bare hands fiddled with each other, occassionally brushing against the lace of the gown - it was sleeveless, her shoulders and collar left bare to the wind, and she blamed the dress for making her feel cold all over.

The hall was beautifully decorated with flowers and tinsel. This particular room jutted out from the rest of the institute, and several stained glass windows lined the walls, depicting important events in a shadowhunter’s life - a birth, a runing ceremony, a parabatai ceremony, marriage, death. The guests were all seated, and were whispering to each other. Alec caught sight of her mother’s smile, and it only added to the pool of nerves in her stomach.

The groom, Lydian, was already at the altar, and Alec’s brother Isidore stood behind him, a cushioned tray in his hands. Jayce, Alec’s parabatai, stood beside her with a matching tray in her hands, on which was placed a heavy metal bangle and a stele. Jayce shot her a look, and then turned into the hall, walking down the aisle to the altar. Alec watched her go, smiling at the audience as she went, her golden dress rippling like flowing water as she walked.

Alec took a deep breath. That was her cue to enter. She picked up the bouquet of roses that had been given to her earlier, but she’d left it on the ground after Jayce had complained that she was picking at the rose petals too much.

Alec couldn’t help it, though. She was extremely anxious about the whole affair. The past few days had gone by too quickly in a flurry of wedding preparations. And even before that, a lot had happened - Clar and Simona entering their life, Lydian becoming the new head of the institute, Isidore’s trial, and-

Alec’s hands tightened on the bouquet, and she inhaled sharply. She wouldn’t think of her. Not today.

Releasing the breath, she turned into the hall and plastered a smile on her face as she walked down the aisle. Lydian smiled brightly at the sight of her, and Alec could feel everyone’s gazes on her, like a brush of feathers against her bare shoulders. Lydian held out a hand as she neared the altar and she took it, climbing up the stairs in what she hoped was a graceful manner.

Giving Lydian a polite smile, she turned back to Jayce, placing the bouquet on the tray. Ignoring Jayce's eyes, she picked up the bangle. It was heavy in her hand as she turned and fastened it around Lydian's wrist.

Isidore stepped forward, looking at Alec with concern but she ignored it. She'd made her decision. There was no going back now.

Lydian turned and picked up a locket from the tray, shaped like a golden teardrop. Alec turned and let him fasten the chain around her neck. Her hand came up to touch the locket, and then her eyes flickered up to meet her parents'. They were looking at her with loud, proud, smiles. They were proud. They were happy. Surely Alec should be happy, too?

She was yanked out of her thoughts by Lydian's hand on her shoulder.

Alec turned to face Lydian again, her hair brushing against her shoulders as she moved. She had vetoed a fancy updo in favour of a simple hairstyle, with two thin braids running along the sides of her head and pinned together at the back. The rest of it was left free, going down to her waist.

The silent brother overseeing the marriage spoke, his voice reverberating in Alec's mind like the sound of a gong.

"It is time for Alexandra Lightwood and Lydian Branwell to exchange the wedded union rune." He tapped the block of adamas on the altar, which had the rune carved into it. "A rune on the hand, a rune on the heart. A union is born."

It was like Alec's heart turned to lead all of a sudden. Once the runes were drawn, there was no going back.

Alec slowly picked up the stele from his tray and took Lydian's hand in his. She glanced up at Lydian, who shot her a smile, and then at the adamas, memorising the lines and curves of the rune. The gazes of the audience were heavy on Alec's shoulders. The stele was almost touching the skin of Lydian's forearm. For a moment, Alec could see her life play out in front of her eyes - getting married, running the institute together with Lydian, restoring honour to the Lightwood name the way her parents wanted her to. All the rhythms of a normal shadowhunter life. But something would always be missing. She would have to live with the guilt that no matter how much she cared for Lydian, no matter what, she could never love him, not in the way she was capable of loving a woman.

But there was no going back now. It was too late.

Just as she moved to draw the rune, a clang echoed through the hallway, followed by a familiar sound of clicking heels. Alec turned to the entrance of the hall, her heart jumping. Everyone’s heads turned in the direction of the sound, awaiting this new guest, and then Magna walked in.

Her head was bowed and her hair, streaked with pink, fell in a graceful swoop over her face, reaching down to her shoulders. A part of it was pulled back into twin braids that ran along the left of her head. She appeared to be fiddling with the cuff of her black suit, and looked like something out of a dream. 

Magna stopped in the middle of the aisle and looked up, flicking her hair away with a toss of her head, and her gaze directed right at Alec. Everyone’s eyes were on her, but she didn’t seem perturbed by any of it.

Alec’s lips parted as her eyes met Magna’s, and she tried not to think about how they had looked at her, full of sorrow, when she told Magna that she was getting married. Now they were hard and determined, shining like ores of steel.

In the silence that had fallen , Alec could hear her mother as she said, "What is that _warlock_ doing here?"

"Iz," Jayce whispered to Isidore from behind Alec. "Did Alec invite Magna?"

"No." Isidore smiled a smug, self-assured smile. "I did. But I didn't think she'd show up."

Lydian was glancing back and forth between Alec and Magna, looking as if he only had an inkling of what was going on. Alec, on the verge of panicking, turned away and saw her mother's accusatory glare, directed right at her.

Maryse stood up, turning her glare away from Alec, and strode towards Magna.

"Magna," she said, her voice cold as ice as she neared the warlock. "Leave this wedding, _right now."_

The rings on Magna's hand glittered as she held it up to stop Maryse.

"Maryse, this is between me and your daughter," she said firmly. Magna turned her gaze to Alec, and she suddenly found it hard to breathe. "I'll leave if she asks me to."

Maryse turned to Alec, who felt crushed under the weight of their gazes. She knew she should've opened her mouth, should've asked Magna to leave. But she looked at Magna, and the words flew right out of her head, and she couldn't speak.

"You okay, bro?" Jayce asked softly. Alec just nodded, her heart palpitating heavily in her chest. She was breathing heavily, taking in long deep breaths through her mouth. She had no idea what to do.

"Alec," Lydian said, touching her shoulder, and she almost jumped. She turned to Lydian, only to see that he was smiling a small assuring smile at her. "Hey."

"I-" Alec gasped, struggling to speak, "I can't breathe."

"I know." He grinned at her. "It's _okay_."

Something snapped inside Alec in that moment.

"I can't do this," she blurted out, and looked away, towards the ground. "I thought we were doing the right thing, but… this isn't it."

Lydian's face turned serious. "You don't have to explain."

Alec felt a stab of guilt through her heart. "Lydian, I'm sorry."

"Hey." Lydian's hand moved up to cup her face. "You deserve to be happy." He shrugged and gave her a bright smile. "I'll be fine."

Alec nodded to him and turned to Magna. Lydian's words had eased her guilt, but there was still the fear of what was going to happen next.

Maryse was glaring at Alec with a tight face, but Alec hardly saw her. She was looking only at Magna, who looked back with steady brown eyes.

Almost without realising it, her heart beating like a drum in her chest, Alec descended the steps of the altar, her dress clutched tightly in her fingers. Something shifted in Magna's eyes then, like a ray of sunlight breaking through the storm clouds.

Alec looked at her, still unsure of what she was doing. Was this even worth it? Was leaving behind everything Alec had ever known in her life worth it? 

_Of course it's worth it,_ whispered a voice somewhere deep inside Alec. _You'll be happy in the end._

Magna seemed to notice her struggle and made a gesture so minute that no one but her noticed. It was a barely susceptible nod, a beckoning jerk of her chin.

Their eyes met again, and it felt like they were talking, somehow. She'd heard of how people very close to each other could communicate without actually talking, by just looking at each other. Alec couldn't hear the words, but she could feel their effect on her, the way they soothed her uncertainty and wound around her heart, pulling her closer.

She remembered the night when she'd lent her strength to Magna, remembered feeling the strength flowing between them. This felt like that too - as if there was an invisible link between them, that needed not linking hands, not a touch but only a glance across a room full of people to pass strength to the other. Every second Magna looked at her was an ounce of strength added, and at last, Alec made up her mind.

She picked up her wedding dress with her fingers and walked towards Magna, seeing only her. Maryse, appalled at this turn of events, stepped forward. 

"Alec," she said, her voice taut as a wire, "What are you doing?"

"Enough," was all Alec said, brushing past her and barely sparing her a glance. Enough of all the weights and expectations on her shoulders. Enough of trying to fix her parents' mistakes. Enough of pretending to be someone she wasn't. Just… _Enough._

Alec reached out and clutched the lapels of Magna's suit jacket with shaking hands, and saw her eye makeup glitter as she leaned in to kiss her.

The moment her lips touched Magna's, she felt an electrifying shock run through her, all the pieces of her fitting together in a way that finally made sense. _This_ was what she was born for. _This_ was what she was meant to be, and she wouldn't have it any other way. 

Alec's hands slid up from Magna's jacket, one hand settling on her shoulder and the other moving up to cup her face, her fingers mingling with the soft strands of Magna's hair. Magna wrapped her arms around Alec's waist, pulling her in closer, and a soft gasp escaped Alec's lips.

They parted for a brief moment, gazing into each other's eyes for a split second before diving back in, not minding in the least that there were others in the room. For a few wild moments, it was only the two of them in the whole wide world.

When they parted at last, Alec's archer eyes deftly flicked around the room, taking in everyone's faces - Isidore was looking at her with pride, as was Jayce. There was too much in Maryse’s face for her to dwell upon, and her father was looking away. Clar and Simona, sitting among the guests, seemed happy for the two of them.

But the best was Magna, looking at her with cheeks flushed red - Alec’s face was warm, too - and her eyes were glowing like twin stars. A broad, satisfied smile spread across her face, and she said,

“You never fail to surprise me, Alexandra.”


End file.
